Lola

Lola.  When my husband and I were deciding on names for our daughter, Lola was at the top of my list.  However, for various reasons we chose Luna, but Lola never left my mind.  I wanted it to be remembered.  It seemed — seems — like such an elusive and wanting name.  So Lola may not be my real name, but it really reflects how I am feeling and thinking about myself and this journey I’m on, and seems a bit easier to grasp as third person when I write about it — as Lola’s life — while actually writing about it in first person — my life.

I am an artist and a writer, both of which are being rehoned after many years of dormancy and reflection — the former much more than the latter — and after leaving old professions behind and having a baby.  I have been painting since 2004.  Before that summer of emotive painting was restarted, I hadn’t considered myself “artist” since I was 10.  Not many people know about it, and that’s okay, because I like the slow growth of it all.

Much of what I do is splat.  I don’t believe much in accidents, so it’s safe to say that I was influenced heavily by the Contemporary Abstract Expressionist movement.  My ideas about art and how I felt like painting/what I was considering evolved.

Writing has always been a passion, but I became quite sick of hearing myself think and talk for awhile — after grad school, during break-ups and hardships, and just generally.  I took a break.  I was stimulated a few years ago by a writing teacher/friend who helped me consider third person in my writing.  I never forgot it.  Finally, motherhood put a fire under my ass and I got busy.  Despite my often serious, complex and heavy thoughts and words, I really think this is all quite funny.  I will often tend to the light-hearted.  And I love writing again.  I have a dusty thesis to tackle, but we’ll see where this all goes.

I am a wife and lover.  My husband is a gift and truly my biggest fan.  Turns out that taking care of house and home and him and our daughter is really what I want to do the most. Coming back to domesticity is wonderful.  So glad (and fortunate) that I have the choice.  It is incredibly creative and rewarding work.

And there is my mother as well as my grandmother, two of the strongest women I know.  They have given me many gifts.  I am so proud to be their daughter.   They are my fans, and I am theirs.

Going back to Lola, there have been a lot of things said about her in song and in film, often connoting something lewd, off or edgy, sexy and outspoken.  I would add knowing.  So these are all mixed in my mind of thoughts and images of motherhood and where I’ve been.  Mixed messages about something good and pure and raw, but complex and trying.  I’m still working on this, and that’s where the writing comes in.

I knew myself, I lost myself, I found myself again.  Add a dose of motherhood and I cling to that found self; we are working together.  It is a re-birth of me.